My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
