Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
