She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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