Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
