I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
