Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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