Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
