look no pants
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
