Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
