Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
