ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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