no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm too high and old for this...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
