My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The uberlube is also flammable
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
