I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
