I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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