Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
