I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
try to milk me bitch
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
