as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
