i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
