If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
