You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
