my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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