Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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