I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
