I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
