Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
