im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We are all done wearing pants today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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