sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
