So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
