the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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