I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
