I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
