There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
