the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
