I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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