Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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