Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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