I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
