you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
