So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
either way he was missing a nipple.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
