I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
