I'm gonna have a badass scar
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
