Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
