I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
