I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The Olympian is in my bed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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