I think i sorta joined a cult last night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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