im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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