New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
