Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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