I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
