we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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