i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
As shirtless as possible
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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