These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
