In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
