fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
