I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
