You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
