i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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