have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you inspire me to be a worse person
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
