A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
