so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
