I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
