i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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