You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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