My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
cat food counts as protein by the way
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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