Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize