Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize