sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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